“Hello and welcome to Through the Keyhole. OK magazine for the illiterate. You’re claiming benefits and I’m Sir David Frost, and we’ve got a very special international edition for you this afternoon. Here’s our celebrity panel for the day to help us with the guess work, please welcome that fat one off Trinny and Susannah, the he-she from Big Brother, and Ron Atkinson. So without further ado, over to you Lloyd, as we go Through…the Keyhole:”
“Helloooo David. We’re on the outskirts of Sylhet, Bangladesh, and as you can see, standing in a dusty yard in front of what looks like a stable block. From the floor to ceiling bars, whoever lives here is very security conscious. No-one’s getting in or out of this place in a hurry. And look at those doors with padlocks. Solid steel. Let’s go on through. Oooh it’s a bit dark in here, there must be a power cut. And there’s only one tiny window. [fumbles for torch]. The concrete floor’s very shiny though. As you can see, this resident doesn’t like furniture, unless it’s cheap blue plastic and of the garden variety. Look at that stark table at the end of the room. Although there’s a bookshelf here on the right, and DVDs. Let’s see what’s on offer. Miss Congeniality 2. Narnia. Harry Potter. Hmm, obviously not a fan of the golden age of cinema. If we move left there’s an alcove with a gas-hob, and a cupboard full of biscuits and noodles – quite the gourmet. I bet they miss my sauces ha ha ha ha.
There’s a nasty smell coming from the corner, oh! It’s a squat toilet. Let’s use this bucket to try and flush the smell away. Gosh that water’s cold. No hot tap here. And if we move back out of the room, we can move in to the next – I wonder why there’s no connecting door. That must be annoying. Hmmm, it’s almost exactly the same as the other except for a bed in the corner, and a large flag of St George with ‘Tottenham written across the middle. I hope this person didn’t watch the Reading game. Hahahaha. And another partitioned squat toilet. And some suitcases in the corner, and that’s it. Hmm, such basic surroundings. Well, there’s not much more to say, other than: Whoooo lives in a shithole like this? Back to you David”.
Not me. Not any more!! Ha!!!
